The Unsent Letter

My love, don’t be surprised.

Right now we have all escaped to the stairway again, the walls were shaking, the explosions came one after the other, and I was squatting in embryo pose and thinking: if the rocket hits the house right now, my very last thought would be that I didn’t get a chance to tell you anything.

When this will be over, we will see each other every day again, and again I will smile stupidly, stammer, act like a fool as usual, and shut up. Shut up.

I don’t want to.

This love is already pouring over the edge, I can no longer hold it inside.

Don’t be angry, my dear, don’t frown, what can you do – I love you fiercely since the first saw you, that’s my fate.

Wait, it’s the siren again, I got to run.

It took long this time. Libi, neighbors’ little girl, burst out crying, she isn’t even three years old yet, she doesn’t understand what has she done to deserve it, her little soul couldn’t take this horror – loud thuds, lots of people on the staircase, everybody talking at once, nothing makes sense – so she started crying. The neighbors were telling her – calm down, honey, everything’s okay, it’s our army, ours, it’s the Iron Dome in action, but she was just crying bitterly on her mother’s lap and wouldn’t calm down.

My thoughts are all astray, it’s my third night without sleep, and this particular stair became my home.

I understand, my one and only, this confession will slightly surprise you, amuse you a little, and you will be awfully embarrassed, my apologies.

And yet, nonetheless – I’m so tired of being good, of accepting my fate without questioning it, of understanding everybody! Why, what joker in heavens needed it this way, why is it that only next to you I lose control, why does your single irritated word plunge me to the depth of depression, and just one smile – to elate me into euphoria?

Why every song is about you, why the sun is black, why can’t I live without you? Why, god damn it, I don’t need anybody else, nobody at all, absolutely none, and you don’t need me in a same absolute way? And I UNDERSTAND that! I just don’t understand – WHY?!

Siren again. Will they let me finish this letter today or not?!

Came back and forgot again what I wanted to say. And what I wanted generally. Maybe writing this letter wasn’t such a good idea after all.

I’m not even sure myself what I should wish for. And afraid of wishing for anything. All my wishes come true – sooner or later, one way or another.

And for the first time in my life I’m afraid of even thinking about what I want, because he needs something completely different.

Recently, I read in a glossy magazine that even the most hopeless and unrequited love benefits you – it makes you wiser, more sensitive and prepares you for the next, happy relationship. That’s not true. Such a hopeless love tears out a piece of your soul and leaves bitter lack of self-confidence instead. And that’s forever. But it does teach you patience, indeed.

If only I could forget about my obligations, I would say – I love you insanely, I want you – and let a magic happen, any magic, just let it be!

I can’t live without you anymore.

There was a siren again, and I was sitting there and crying like a fool. Just like little Libi. Everybody were hugging and stroking me, they thought that my nerves gave in on the third day of non-stop rocket fire, what else is new.

But it was just me realizing that never. This one single word was bouncing around my head – never.

You know, I remember the exact moment when my adoration, my platonic love turned into burning passion.

That time, our entire gang went to the Kinneret Lake. The barbeque, the beach, you were pretty drunk – and suddenly decided – I don’t know why – to kiss all the ladies. You visibly enjoyed kissing the other girls, but when you approached me there was some sort of doubt in your eyes. You leaned over, I put my arms around you – like in slow motion, you touched my cheek with your lips – and shuddered. Did you feel me tremble? The world shuddering and reassembling? The ringing in my ears?

And after that my dreams were never the same.

The sirens are wailing again. What a nasty sound, everything shrinks inside. I don’t want to run to the stairway anymore, I don’t want to stare at the pale faces and crying kids. I want to finish this letter to you – and whatever will be, will be, death doesn’t scare me, my life isn’t my own anymore.

I have an important business.

I must decide: should I die from longing for the loved one, or from longing for love?

Never again will I go through his gazes in my memory, recall his smiles. Examine his words and gestures under a looking glass searching for molecules of caring.

No freezing when the phone rings – hearing his ringtone on my phone.

No thinking, when literally any love song plays – how can they all suffer so much if they don’t know him? No thinking while looking at every pretty girl – he would like her body for sure, and this one is a bit too fat for him. And also – if I had those legs, he would look at me differently.

No shuddering when I see his name written down. No shuddering when someone picks up the phone and talks to him right next to me.

No admitting even to myself that the jealousy demon is tearing my heart apart.

No thinking of him every night. No thinking of him every morning. No thinking of him every minute.

No joking, no laughing.

No breathing.

No living.

That’s what it means for me to give up my love to you, do you understand?

Oh, it hit really close now. So loud.  So scary. I’m afraid I might die from some stupid stray piece of shrapnel and never find out that everything could be just fine.

What if?

Oh, how I want to just sit on a bench in our park, with the sun setting through the branches of an old tree! And silence. Silence.

I love you. Endlessly. Absolutely hopelessly. And if the only way to be with you is becoming an angel on your right shoulder, so be it. As soon as possible. Then everything will be fine

(The letter was never finished or mailed)

Translated by Diana Shnaiderman-Pereira