He was used to be the first.
First at everything, always. Since the kindergarten, when he could outrun anybody and was considered the strongest kid on the block.
And he was also very smart. That’s what his mom thought, and his mom definitely knew what she was talking about. Everybody knew Ran, everybody loved him except for those who envied him fiercely. But even the latter loved him anyway, because it was impossible not to.
And he loved a skinny redhead with honey eyes, one of her eyes was slightly squinted, and that made his heart soar in wild tenderness and ache from not being able to embrace her with both hands and hold her really tight.
But hiding under his blanket with a flashlight at nights, he used to tell her everything he couldn’t say during the day, everything that was bubbling in his head and burning in his chest.
He have loved her for so long that it seemed to him like he saw those slanted sly golden eyes and fell in love, immediately and permanently, before he even learned how to speak.
He was writing with a pencil in a plain school notebook, writing words that were trying to climb outside like ants but freezing like bulks of cement the moment he saw her. And later he read and re-read those words – ten times, two hundred times – and imagined her standing behind his shoulder and reading this as well, with her usual little smile.
This universe under the blanket belonged only to him. And it was filled with love.
But the morning always came, and he was turning into “that Ran”.
Who doesn’t know Ran! He’s the fastest, the strongest, the bravest!
Ran is parachute jumping! Ran got into a pilot training program! Ran aced the GED… Ran, Ran, Ran…
But nobody knows that on cold winter nights he dives under the blanket, gripping the flashlight between his teeth, and with his pencil he writes the words that are gnawing at his heart.
Why couldn’t he approach her?
He tried, at least three hundred times. But the moment she lifted her head, slightly arching her eyebrow in surprise, and looked at him – with that little smile hidden at the bottom of her golden eyes – he froze, turned into stone, into a fool, into a clumsy and speechless dumbhead, he made stupid, awkward jokes, scared to death that he might see a disappointment in those eyes even before it overflown and settled in the corners of her mouth. And every time he escaped, swearing at himself mercilessly with all the bad words he learned on the airfield.
When his parachute malfunctioned, and the instructor has already clenched his teeth in defeat and shut his eyes, all he could think about were here words.
“Some fly so far they forget to come back”, – She said. “Don’t forget to come back, champ”, – She said, and touched his hand.
Almost touched, the warmth of her hand touched his hand. It was a lot. And not even remotely enough. And that’s what he was thinking about while his body was automatically performing the moves memorized to death, and his brain was counting the seconds somewhere in a distance. He did open this damned parachute, but the landing was really hard.
He lay there, entangled in slinks, the pain in his broken leg was becoming unbearable, but he was smiling and caressing his wrist that still kept her warmth. And everybody thought – wow! This Ran dude isn’t bothered by anything, he broke all his bones, looked death in the eye – and yet his smiling.
Naturally, it was made into a legend right away.
And he made himself a promise. Because he realized he could have taken away all the words that belonged to her by right.
He returned from the hospital, dragging his leg in a cast, and walked through the smiles and the cheers, he walked without raising his eyes but precisely like a migrating bird he made it to a spot where she stood with a friend and looked at him walking towards her through a cheering crowd. He lifted his head, looked at her – and got lost again in those sly honey eyes, one of them a bit squinted.
And then everybody were staring at them all of a sudden, and the wave of silence has spread from where he stood, staring into her impossible eyes. In a complete silence. And everybody else was silent. Some of them, at the far back, where still clapping and cheering, but others were already turning towards the, shushing them and then turning forward again and looking, quietly and solemnly, at those two standing so close to each other – and the same time, so far apart. And talking without words.
And then it was just the two of them.
But they didn’t see everybody leave, looking above their shoulders and sensing that something’s happening, something so significant that there’s only enough space for those two under this sky.
And then he took out his notebook and gave it to her. Read it at home, he asked. What if… what if it makes you angry, and I don’t want to see that, – he joked awkwardly. (God, I’m such an idiot, he thought). There’s so much I want to tell you, but read this first. And then I’ll tell you all the rest, okay?
She smiled and almost touched his hand once again.
“I know, Ran”, – She nodded, – “You’ll tell e everything tomorrow morning. And now I am going to read everything you wrote here”.
She was looking at him, her smile entangled in her downy eyelashes.
And in the morning she read again – for the hundredth time – everything she has guessed but didn’t allow herself to believe, stroking the pages with her fingertips, crying and whispering all sorts of silly words.
She was crying because he became her entire world – just like she was his.
And then, back at the military base, she kept caressing the notebook under the pillow, telling him everything she didn’t have a chance to tell him.
Because a war broke out on the very same evening.
And she didn’t get a chance to tell him everything was going to be fine.
So on cold nights
With a flashlight under the blanket, they talk
And he tells her what she means for him
His whole world is protected beneath the blanket
Song by Iraeli singer Shaylee Atari
Translated by Diana Shnaiderman-Pereira