Marc never cried.
Even when he really felt like it and his eyes welled up all by themselves from the hurt and injustice, because the world is full of hurt and injustice when you are six. But Marc used to throw back his head, purse his lips and blink really fast in order to dry up the treacherous tears.
He can’t cry – he knew that for a fact.
Men don’t cry, that’s what his dad said. And his das was his deity. He was the strongest, the bravest and simply the best.
And he has left Marc all alone.
Well, his mom didn’t go anywhere, of course. If mom has disappeared too, there wouldn’t be any point to living, how could someone live all by himself? His mom was always there, no matter what, just like the air and the sunlight.
But his dad was fun and joy, and now he was gone.
Maybe it’s because Marc used to cry like a little girl. Sometimes. When he was really young and silly. Maybe his dad is embarrassed to have such a cry baby for a son, and that’s why he never visits or calls. So how Marc could show him now that he never cries, just like a real man?..
Even when he was really scared.
They have moved into a new apartment, his mom was so happy, laughing and twirling through the living room, screaming – Look how specious and beautiful it is! Look at all this light! Marc was also laughing and squealing and sliding across the shiny floor.
And when the night fell, a monster peered in through the window.
Marc didn’t realize at first that it was a monster; you couldn’t see it during the day – just a couple of round street lamps outside his window.
But at night he was curled into a tight shivering ball under his blanket and stared into those eyes – big yellow monstrous eyes. His nerves were taut, and if only Marc would allow himself, the night would explode with his scream and a flood of tears.
A flood of tears, Marc thought, picturing this flood in his head – overflowing his bed, flooding the nice shiny floor and breaking the apartment door in a foamy wave… and then it would flood the entire street, washing away all the dust and swirling around tree trunks. Marc once saw on TV an ocean rising and flooding some country. It was scary and kind of cool. I bet I can surf those waves, Marc thought back then.
Suddenly he realized that while he was thinking about the flood, his fear subsided.
And I didn’t cry, dad, he thought sleepily. I’m a real man.
But he squeezed his eyes shut – if you don’t see the monster, the monster doesn’t see you, everybody knows that.
And then mom’s boyfriend Ethan said that there’s no shame in crying if you are hurt or scared. And that he is crying like a little girl whenever he watches a sad movie or misses a woman he loves. Mom smiled and stroked Ethan’s head as if he was a little boy. Marc also smiled but didn’t say anything. How could you tell an adult that you look down on him a little bit because he is not a real man?
And then they were riding water ski, and Marc was squealing like crazy with joy and fear. And he could hear Ethan squealing and laughing right next to him and his fear went away, leaving only the joy.
And then they went to the mountains and stood on the highest peak in the entire world, looking down on the tiny and giant world under their feet. And suddenly Marc started screaming and singing, not even knowing what. And Ethan was screaming and singing right next to him, and mom was laughing and crying , looking at them scream and jump up and down while holding hands. And suddenly Marc realized his eyes were wet. He wiped them with his fists really quickly, and saw that Ethan was wiping his eyes as well. And smiling to him. And he wasn’t embarrassed at all, not even one little bit.
And after that they were reading a book about Narnia. And when Ethan red about the sun that has turned black in the morning, Marc squinted and started blinking really fast. And Ethan held him really tight and sniffled. And Marc has burst into tears with great relief. And his tears have overflown the threshold and flooded the entire city all the way to the sea. But for some reason he didn’t feel embarrassed at all. He felt light relieved.
So Marc has worked up the nerve.
He told Ethan about the monster. Ethan’s eyes became very serious. Normally he was always smiling, and even if he wasn’t – the smile was hiding in the corners of his eyes. But now he was absolutely serious.
How are you fighting it all alone, Ethan asked. And why are you doing it all alone, if you’ve got me?
That’s when Marc knew the monster was screwed. Two men fighting together – what monster could withstand that?!
At night he was lying in his bed and looking through the window. He wasn’t afraid because Ethan was sitting next to him and holding his hand.
Look, Ethan whispered, the monster isn’t mean at all! Look – it’s smiling! And Marc could see by himself that the eyes weren’t malicious at all, they were big, yellow and kind.
How could I get so confused, he whispered while falling asleep.
But now everything is going to be fine.
Everything is going to be fine, Ethan echoed, and squeezed his hand.
Translated by Diana Shnaiderman-Pereira